It’s Wednesday the 17th. September. And tonight is the first night I might go to sleep without crying because I miss you so much. It’s been almost one month since we broke up. And it’s been a week and 3 days since my number was blocked from your phone. Essentially severing the tongue from my mouth. It doesn’t do much without you but talk about the memories of us. I reach for you like I don’t have any air to breathe, and your voice is my oxygen. But even madness finds peace. Tonight is the first night I won’t roll into a ball, pulling at my hair and sob into an already stained floor. I’ve grown to accept the things I can not control. Meaning myself. I am unpredictable. And I am mad. Angry and the other kind. But it’s time I put the excuses behind me. It’s time I close the book I’ve read front to back, backwards, upside down, and all the words in between the spaces I am reading.
It’s time for something new.
Instead of being angry at myself for how my life is and the poor decisions I’ve made,
I’d like to focus on the good inside of me. The things I might hope to offer someone of value and that my character be a valued card.
I wanna be your lucky Ace.
I don’t want to have to stay up night after night contemplating every turn I make and trying to pinpoint where I went wrong.
Instead; I’d like to set goals And break them over my own head so it might settle in. And not dwell upon my misfortune and error.
Knowing that I still have you to come back to is all I needed to know. It gives me strength and hope to continue to go down this back road to some thing I’ve never been; still.
It’s a scary notion when you’re so used to having a constant inner dialogue of your mistakes;
That you forget what it’s like to feel alone.
You forget what silence feels like.
I’m not doing it for you;
This is something I’ve needed to do myself but didn’t have the drive or the push to get up and do something.
You’re my motivation.
You’re my goal.
You’re my everything.
You’re the love of my life.
And I am never letting go.
I am coming back for you.
I will never abandon you.
I will never hurt you.
I will always protect you.
I will always love you.
And I’ll be there for you until our days end.
I just want to spend the rest of them with you.
I’ll cherish every moment.
All the good times and bad times.
I’ll be there for you like we’re on a team and work together as we figure out our lives and each other.
You’re the only person I want to know inside and out.
I want you to be the good book I get lost in.
Where I read the words on the page but they blur and the words unwritten in the spaces between are the things I’m paying attention to.
Be my reason and I’ll never give you a reason to want for anything.
You deserve the world and I want to show off my angel to argue with god that he’s misplaced one of his own.
You’re the greatest person I’ve ever known.
And I’ll never be able to truly tell you how much I love you.
I don’t know the words to describe the way I feel when I’m with you or even just when I think about you. The closest I can get is total serenity.
I’m completely at peace with you in my eyes and in my heart.
I am myself.
And we are one.
You are my only one.
And I’ll never let you forget it.
I’ll be waiting for you babe.
I’ll be home where my heart is soon.